I think it’s not so much about disagreeing agreeably, and not always about winning brownie points, but sometimes it’s all about getting your point across and have on the table for discussion/consideration (there are other times when you should just thump the opposition ^^). Of course there are alot of other factors involved, e.g. culture, who you’re talking with, your position in the group etc. What I think this article does, is show one of the many ways of effectively delivering opinions. The “No no, you’re wrong. It’s like this….” can work very well too. It all depends on the context. Always consider the context!
One thing I do believe in though, is that one should never insult the other party with lines like “you’ve got no idea what you’re talking about!”. ><
How to disagree agreeably
By Craig Kirkwood
“You’re wrong and you’ve got no idea what you’re talking about!” They were the first words out of Mike’s mouth when his HR department head told him he didn’t need extra staff to meet his sales target. The HR head, who we’ll call Nomura, said “all other departments have to do without extra staff at this tough time in the company’s performance and so do sales.”
It was like waving a red flag in front of a bull and Mike reacted accordingly. Mike didn’t get to be the sales director of this large multinational consumer goods company in Tokyo by always being the nice guy and accepting at face value what was said to him. Actually he was quite proud of his aggressive demeanor and driving forcefulness.
Yet, since he had been in Japan, he found he wasn’t winning a lot of the discussions he was having and things were not going his way as often as he wished. When we met over a coffee a couple of weeks ago to discuss his frustrations, I went through some of the principles of “Gaining Willing Cooperation.”
That is, show respect for the other person’s opinion. Never say, “You’re wrong.” In any disagreement, the most important point is to keep lines of communication open in order to ensure your own idea or opinion is heard. Too many times, when we immediately react in the negative to another person’s opinion, we end up putting them on the back foot and in most cases they will switch off to what we want to say.
In Mike’s case, he didn’t care; he knew what needed to be done and expected everyone to toe the line. He could always drive his point hard and get things done in his home country but here in Japan he found that this sort of approach was just not working. Sure, people would listen and give off the right signals as though they understood what needed to be done, yet when it came to execution, nothing was being implemented along the lines he thought everyone had agreed to. Mike felt that going at it harder and making sure everyone knew he was the boss would do the trick. But by the time he came to see me, things were just going from bad to worse.
I took him through a process that would help him organize his thoughts before he jumped all over someone with a differing opinion. Before responding to a person’s opinion or idea, I asked him to take a few seconds to consider:
– what he thinks (of the opinion or idea he has just heard)
– why does he think that (what has been his own experience with this idea or opinion)
– finally, what evidence does he have that makes him feel this way (through his experience, does he have an example he could put forward that demonstrates either the positive or negative aspect of the idea).
Once he has processed this, he could use what we call a cushion, that is, a way to soften the blow or response, something that will acknowledge in a friendly way that he has heard the other person, it could be something like, “I know where you are coming from”, or “I understand why you say that.”
Next is to give an example of a situation he has actually experienced without using a negative filler word like “but,” “however,” or “nevertheless.” I told Mike how this was one of the hardest things to do when responding to an idea which you don’t agree with, but through constant use and practice, it can be done with outstanding results. I said, “As soon as you do say ‘but’ or ‘however,’ the other person immediately knows you disagree with them and therefore the lines of communication will be closed without even having your own idea heard.”
Once his example has been explained, he needs to give some evidence which shows how things turned out. Finally, he can then say something like, “Therefore I believe …” and state his own idea or opinion in a way that will certainly get heard by the other party and may even be received in a favorable light. Most important of all though is to ensure your own opinion is heard and on the table for debate.
Mike actually tried this “Disagree Agreeably” process on Nomura the other day when it was decision-making time between senior managers of the company on a new policy of introducing casual business attire to the workplace, a trial had been in place for the past month and they needed to make a final decision which way to go with business attire.
Nomura said that with casual business attire in the workplace over the past month, he believes it provides an environment of creativity and increased productivity. Mike was against the idea of going casual and he was almost ready to respond in his usual direct way when he remembered our talk. Instead he said, “I can see why you might say that.” (Cushion) “Last week we had a very important client visiting our corporate office. (Example) At the end of the day, our guest casually mentioned to me how ‘unprofessional’ some of my co-workers looked in their casual clothes. (Evidence) I am now concerned it will affect our future business.” (Own opinion) This example shows that relaxing our company dress codes can impact our business in a negative way. Therefore I believe that we need a more professional dress code re-instituted.
How do you think it turned out this time for Mike? I am pleased to say he won through and by the looks of things for Mike, his opinion and ideas will be heard and acted on a lot more in the future. He now knows how to “disagree agreeably.”
The writer is president, Dale Carnegie Training® Japan (www.dale-carnegie.co.jp)
